papercuts sting like a bitch. or like your mom.

Your mother ingests a large quantity of entrees of high caloric value, such that when she receives an accidental epidermal incision from the edge of a sheet of paper, a rich gravy is said to flow from the wound.

your mom's fat. huh huh.

The circumference of your mother's physical embodiment is of such an embarrassing measurement at any specified unit, that intrepid explorer, Christopher Columbus, could use her to physically block sunlight from reaching the Earth, providing him opportunity to convince native inhabitants of foreign lands that he wielded power over the Heavenly bodies.

And more crabs than a seafood platter

Your mother's heavenly vessel is of such mammoth girth and breadth, that the apex where her neck meets her jaw quite resembles portions of a telephone directory located in China; chiefly the number of entries pertaining to customers answering to the surname, Chin.

Cereal Killer

Your mother's intellect is so lacking that the time she purchased and opened a box of Cheerio's brand cereal, she assumed she had purchased doughnut seeds.