papercuts sting like a bitch. or like your mom.

Your mother ingests a large quantity of entrees of high caloric value, such that when she receives an accidental epidermal incision from the edge of a sheet of paper, a rich gravy is said to flow from the wound.

your mom's fat. huh huh.

The circumference of your mother's physical embodiment is of such an embarrassing measurement at any specified unit, that intrepid explorer, Christopher Columbus, could use her to physically block sunlight from reaching the Earth, providing him opportunity to convince native inhabitants of foreign lands that he wielded power over the Heavenly bodies.

And more crabs than a seafood platter

Your mother's heavenly vessel is of such mammoth girth and breadth, that the apex where her neck meets her jaw quite resembles portions of a telephone directory located in China; chiefly the number of entries pertaining to customers answering to the surname, Chin.

Cereal Killer

Your mother's intellect is so lacking that the time she purchased and opened a box of Cheerio's brand cereal, she assumed she had purchased doughnut seeds.

Not much...

Your mother suffers from such an extreme case of alopecia areata, that one can literally see what is on her mind.

She doesn't get the jokes, either.

Your mother's intellectual capacity is of such a limited quantity, that she requires more than two hours to watch an episode of the television program, 60 Minutes.

I also heard her family tree did not fork...

Your mothers frame is ample enough that she is a member of both sides of her family.

Magical Candy

Your mother, who is known over the lands as one who does not step lightly, inadvertently invented the common snack treat referred to as "Skittles" by placing her full weight upon a rainbow.

The proper word is "hydrophobic"

Your mother's countenance is so appalling that when she attempted to bathe, the water abandoned the vessel!

Henny Youngman got picked on in school

Your mother's daily combined caloric intake is of such a long-term imbalance that it has produced in her a state in which, during the act of relaxing about her place of residence, her physical volume fully encompasses said domicile.

Such Large Proportions.

Your mother is of such large proportions, it leads me to recall the time

she first fell in love and damaged it beyond repair.